Why I Blame My Dad for My Divorce ~ started February 2012, completed April 2, 2019

Thank you daddy. Thank you for everything. Thank you for making sure that I had whatever I needed. Thank you for not giving me everything that I wanted. And, perhaps most importantly, thank you for teaching me the difference. You weren’t without faults and my childhood was not flawless, but you must know that. Come on, you can handle a little negative feedback, can’t you? In many ways, you and mom’s example prepared me well for married life: work hard, make sacrifices, show affection, divide and conquer, buy only what you can afford, compromise, and so on and so on. You and mom barely ever fought, or, you did it privately and hid it well. I suppose that was good for me in many ways but you ended up making it look easy. I’m sure it wasn’t, but as a child, it sure seemed it. You’ve been a wonderful dad but guess what, I blame you for my divorce. You read that right dad, I blame you dad for my divorce. I mean, how was I to know? How was I to know that a guy that displayed the same humility and warmth that you did would grow to become so proud and cold? How was I to know dad, that a young man that pursued me so fervidly, like you did with mom, would one day demonstrate such selfishness? How was I to know that the “nice guy”, so much like you dad, would turn out to behave so callously and indifferent? ...or, that a sweet and sensitive guy, so much like you dad, would discard me with such heartless disregard? ...or, that a partner that loathed conflict, like you did dad, would do anything to avoid it, including complete and abrupt desertion? ...or, that a loyal, dependable “man of his word” like you dad, would disappear without explanation? How was I to know dad? How was I to know that a man that promised forever, like you did dad, didn’t mean it? How was I to know that a man that seemed to demonstrate the same fortitude and courage in the face of childhood family dysfunction, poor financial circumstances and other similar early life challenges as you did would end up abandoning and dismissing me in such a cowardly manner? You see, as I moved from the teen years to becoming a young adult, I modeled every male I met after you dad. Instead of comparing them with you, however, and noting the differences, which in most cases would’ve likely caused me to run for the hills, I sought out similarities and inadvertently assigned to them qualities that they didn’t really possess. What seemed to be qualities of depth and integrity, like the ones you have, were really surface features. Like the man that built his house on sand instead of on a firm foundation the winds came and revealed what was really there. There wasn’t enough to hack the storms. Andy seemed to have the important qualities that you have dad: humility, warmth, kindness, attentiveness, kindness, sensitivity, loyalty and dependability. He didn’t like conflict, but who does? You made me believe that a person that prefers to sidestep conflict can still work through difficulties, persevere and stay devoted, but, I’ve since learned from both my experience with my ex-husband and from my many years of working as a therapist that it is a rare thing for a conflict avoidant person to stand firm in a long-term relationship through the inevitable ups and downs without a tremendous amount of commitment and hard work. Maybe it would have been different if I had lowered my expectations, but you set the bar high dad, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.